More working out stuff.

[lithera]

This one is a bit different than the others so far.

This one might get a bit deep. So. Live with me, will you? And I'm not looking for sympathy. Mike, at least, knows I do my best digging around in my head out on paper. Or in this case on a screen.



And it was good. I pushed myself, though this morning I'm not all that sore. My left arm and parts of my back have twinges in them but I need to remember this. I can push myself further than I did. Last night I felt like I was going to fall over at points and I was a bit wobbily at times but I'm not that sore today. When it felt like a strain the trainer would take down the speed or resistance a bit, which I appreciate but I think I'd rather push through than take it down.

I just need to modify my responses to him if that's what he's going to do. It'll be interesting.

Again I had the anger response. It seems that this is one of the few ways I allow myself to channel it anymore. I'm paying more attention to myself and my reactions this time around in order to try to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Why do I keep falling off of this wagon. Why do I stop going?

I had a big insight into it last night. As Sean said before, loathing is a horrible motivator. I have to say that last night after I pushed through the anger, I felt myself drop. I didn't just have an emotional low, I crashed. I felt depressed, almost to the level of despair. And I remember this happening before. I've just never really attached anything to it or was able to clear through to /why/ this happens. And John, our trainer, was just trying to spur us on but he tapped into something in me.

I hate myself.

It is hard to say. It is a difficult truth to encompass and to understand.

I'm not saying I'm not a nice person and I'm not saying that I'm not intelligent or someone that people wouldn't want to be around. There are parts of me that are great. Very, very few of them have anything to do with how I look.

I've suppressed a lot of my loathing for myself in order to be able to function on a day to day basis. No, I don't like the way I look. No, looking at myself in the mirror doesn't help me want to be more active or do more or diet super hard. It just makes me depressed and hate myself a little more. The picture with Wil is awesome, I just have a really hard time looking at it. I wish I were one of those people who runs ten miles when they get depressed but that's not me. I cannot remember a time when I wasn't overweight. Literally. All of the pictures I have of myself going back to being 5 or 6 show me that way.

I remember when I was younger (seven or eight), I would have a hard time sleeping because of anxiety. Was I smart enough? Was I funny? Was I pretty? And then there was all of the taking care of my little sister stuff. I started suppressing a lot of these worries so I could do what I needed to do day to day.

And yesterday I was reminded of how much of it is down there. I wanted to crawl into bed and cry for an hour. And that, my friends, is a HORRIBLE re-enforcement for going to the gym. But, as I thought to myself this morning, I can be stronger than that. I can be more than that and better than that.

I think I need a few fitness icons.

Comments

[apestyle.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing. I wonder if I have some self-loathing going on assisting in preventing me from being consistent in the gym, or if its simple laziness.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, on my part, it is laziness but I suspect there is a lot more going on underneath. I suspect it is something of a front for deeper issues. It is a lot easier saying I'm tired or I hurt or I don't feel like it.

[quipper.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

In all seriousness, Kat, are you thinking about or taking meds to help you with your emotional self? I mean, what you're describing is incredibly intense, and it shouldn't have to be. I mean, it's good to go work out, it's good to be motivated to do so.. but you shouldn't need to wrestle with things that dark without assistance.

I think we talked about this some last time I visited, but unfortunately my mommy-brain is a sieve and I can't remember it very clearly.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

I have taken meds for these sorts of things in the past. The real problem is I have yet to find a medication that doesn't turn me into a zombie. The ups and downs are a bitch but going back to that world of feelingless grey is worse.

[jeditigger.livejournal.com]

That's why I mentioned Zoloft a while ago...because the other meds I tried - and heaven knows I HATE taking drugs - were useless. Zoloft WORKS for me. There's going to be one out there that works with your body's chemistry, and you owe it to yourself to find it, angel.

[quipper.livejournal.com]

That's right! I remember that now.

And I'm totally sorry to hear that.

Hmm, have you tried any herbal stuffs? For years I used to use St. John's Wort, and it really helped keep me level. In fact, I was really pissed when they told me I can't use it anymore because of what I'm on now. I really wish I could go back to it.

[uberdude.livejournal.com]

I can relate very much to your feelings. There have been times when I get so frustrated and unhappy with myself in the midst of excercise that I get angry or realy depressed. I sometimes find myself construcrting a scenario in my head where I just stop and walk out and I find I'm pissed at my Sifu or whoever is leading the excercise session or I'm working out with.

I have a freaking awful time gaining any ground in wieght loss and I sometimes just want to throw in the towel. I've been doing my current cardio kickboxing trip for well over a year and I can't seem to get through whatever barrier I'm hitting. It's realy frustrating and I now and then find I beat myself up calling myself a fat slob or what not. It's a bad trap to get into. Gotta take care of ourselves both on and off the training floor. Body mind and soul.

I find I can hit that crash place of super sad/self loathing a lot easier now that I'm aproaching 40 (uhg). If I jazz my brain out on caffine earlier in the day, I crash super hard. If I let my blood sugar crash it's bad. Not enough sleep? Awful. Missing excercise too much? Sad. Combine any of those? Dear gods.


My Sifu reminds me that the trick is NOT to train harder. It;s to Train Smarter. Muscling through this kind of stuff works for kids sometimes because they have a stupid abundance of energy that bounces back faster. We need to be wise and apply skill and brain to our aproach.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Yeah. That's pretty much everything right there.

Maybe I'll try to ween myself away from caffine again but that's a hard battle.

[qijm.livejournal.com]

I think I did a whole lot better overall once I was going to the gym regularly and cutting waaaay back on caffeine. Unfortunately, I fell off the wagon and have had trouble getting back on.

[uberdude.livejournal.com]

I found an old adage to be very very true in that regard. When making lifestyle changes, do it a little at a time. The body likes homeostasis. Lots of radical changes almost always sets you up for failure.

If you are just starting to work out, don't make any big changes for the first 2-4 weeks. Then start tracking how much caffine you're consuming, don;t even change teh ammount, just track it. Then after a week or so, start setting some moderate goals in reduction, then after a while, reduce some more and so on. Or something like that, since this is just an example I pulled out of the air.

I usualy recomend first getting into the habbit of drinking lots of water over the day on a regular basis as the first lifestyle change. Water is soooo freaking key to health/fitness/happy stuff.

*Love 'n hugz*

[jeditigger.livejournal.com]

I think your sifu is very wise.

I might note that, now that I'm over 40, a lot of the recriminations and whatnot are gone. I'm utterly hooked on working out right now and have bothered my Vegas friends with details on accessing their gyms and pools so I don't stop while on vacation.

The only thing I can really advise you is to try not to internalize it so much...and use working out as a way to get out those frustrations. I had what I call an "angry" workout yesterday afternoon; over 30 minutes of hard toiling and pushing on the elliptical until I felt sick. :) But I find swimming to be very Zen for me, so maybe such a Zen activity is out there for you, too.

*hug* I need to call you still. :/

[uberdude.livejournal.com]

Yeah Sifu is crazy wise. He's a pretty amazing guy. He's never about the guilt or recriminations if I'm away for a whiel. He just says 'This is your home, we love you and are always here for you when you're ready to be here'


...and then he kicks my ass on the mat ;)

[arian1.livejournal.com]

It's hard as hell to get going at first, but once you get "the bug" you run with it :) Hang in there!!

[lithera.livejournal.com]

I've heard that but I've never gotten to that point before, even after months. So... Maybe I'm associating things incorrectly in my brain. Dunno.

[arian1.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it varies for everyone. Usually it's after about 3 months when your body really starts to get used to the regular routine and you feel your energy pick up. It's also when most people expierence that initial weight loss if that's their focus so mentally your brain processes results. The important thing is to stick with it. I still owe you recipes

[richardjgrayson.livejournal.com]

I can understand that, and that makes a lot of sense. It probably explains a lot about why I can't motivate myself to do a lot of things I need to do. It's a little easier if the obligation is to or for someone else - then I have an expectation on me, and the desire to please is always there, or to make someone else's day. Exercise is just about the self, though, and that's where that thinking kind of falls down. I got myself a skip rope to try and at least get some kinetic movement in once a day, and have I used it? Hell no.

I hope you can stick with it, Kat. Maybe you need a buddy system or something ;)

[lithera.livejournal.com]

There is a reason I'm doing this with Kris. It helps.

[pullthestars.livejournal.com]

I'M HER BUDDY YAY.

[seanb.livejournal.com]

It can be very scary to discover just how much these hidden monsters have been shaping your thoughts and behaviors.

I'm not really sure what flipped the switch from "Meh, I'm comfortable, and working out is UNCOMFORTABLE" to "I'd like to make some gradual improvements".

I've been trying to trick my own resistance-to-change by easing into these new habits. My first week with the pedometer, I just acted normal - to see what my "normal" behavior was. Then, I slowly cranked it up in intervals of 10% or less per week. The push-ups and sit-ups started ridiculously low, just with a couple days of "I should do some" before leaping into a regimen.

I'm trying to build livelong habits here, and I KNOW from past experience that sudden changes will leave a nagging voice in the back of my head that I can easily and comfortably "switch back". Instead, I want to confuse the monster, convince the voices in the back of my head that this is "normal" and "switching back" would be the sudden, jarring change.

Yes, I do a lot of hacking my own thoughts. Sometimes it works. I'm not sure if it would work for anybody else.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Oh, I've hacked my own thoughts before. I know I can do it. The real issue is doing my best to make sure that I'm actually putting something better for the long term in place.

[bloolark.livejournal.com]

This is kind of rambly, but I've been thinking about this all day and about various ways that I've used to change habits.

One of the things for me that matters the most is achievable goals, and small ones. For example, when I wanted to stop drinking so much soda, I'd set the goal of no more than 4 sodas a day, and 2 glasses of water, and then slowly but surely change that. I could look back and say 'Self, you've gone from drinking 8 sodas a day to 6, and kept it up! Go Self!'

With exercise, I know I would do better if I set a goal that was not weight loss or getting fit, but rather something I could do that would be a visible and regular sign that I was getting better. For example, maybe something like deciding you wanted to run a 10 K, and seeing where you are now, and then monitoring your progression. Or a bicycle race, or a swim race, or how many push ups or crunches you could do. Something that would show you obviously that you're improving that isn't as emotional as whether or not you've gained or lost weight.

Exercise and working out is an amazing thing. I've just started doing yoga and it's astonishing how much better I feel in my body when I'm done (and how much better my back feels -- stupid bad back genes). Making it a habit is hard, though, and something I need to work on a little more.

I wish you luck.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Thanks Steph.

I think the response I've been getting from this, from a few unexpected corners as well, is helpful. Knowing you're not the only one is amazingly helpful. I just need to make sure I don't let myself slip into the nooks and crannies of my own head. It is so simple to do without noticing.

I think less emotional and more quantifiable numbers are important.

[orcaarrow.livejournal.com]

Okay, truly admitting you have a problem is the first step towards dealing with it.

I have many of the same issues and you can learn to accept yourself.

[moriarty6.livejournal.com]

When it felt like a strain the trainer would take down the speed or resistance a bit, which I appreciate but I think I'd rather push through than take it down.

Don't do that, just take it down. Muscling through will only get you torn muscles and tendinitis and you'll just be out that much longer.

I hate myself. [etc.]

I want to respond to this yet I have a hard time thinking of what to say. I went through a similar situation when I first started exercising as a teenager. Then, anger and self-loathing was a sufficient motivator. Now, it doesn't work as well. Why did it then? I'm not sure--partially that I was young enough that gains were more quickly measurable, which was motivational. Partially that I literally had nothing else to do but spend two hours in the gym every day, so I guess it didn't really matter whether I was angry or not. Partially that I had nothing to lose, few friends and no romantic interests, so it was easier to throw myself into it.

I don't know, I'm kind of babbling here because I want to say something helpful, because I've been there (and I'm creeping back there now, for reasons that don't bear retelling here), but I don't know what someone could have said to me back then to make it easier. I think bloolark hits the nail on the head by suggesting that you measure performance-related goals, not numbers. I firmly believe that the biggest mistake people make when they want to lose weight is actually tracking their weight. Don't. Track performance goals that can only be achieved by weight loss, work towards those goals and you'll lose weight on the way. Weight doesn't just go down as a trackable asymptote. It yo-yos as you replace fat with muscle, then lose both, then get some back, etc.

I don't have a lot of advice in this area but if bitching over martinis at some point helps I'm always down.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Thanks for that. It just... I feel like I can do it, like I'm being a wuss for taking it back a notch or two. It makes it hard to be okay with backing off.

*nods* Performance goals are important, which is why, at the moment, I'm sort of taking this one workout session at a time. How many set of reps can I do, how long can I go, how tired am I after whatever it is I'm doing...

Martinis would be good some time.