More working out stuff.

[lithera]

This one is a bit different than the others so far.

This one might get a bit deep. So. Live with me, will you? And I'm not looking for sympathy. Mike, at least, knows I do my best digging around in my head out on paper. Or in this case on a screen.



And it was good. I pushed myself, though this morning I'm not all that sore. My left arm and parts of my back have twinges in them but I need to remember this. I can push myself further than I did. Last night I felt like I was going to fall over at points and I was a bit wobbily at times but I'm not that sore today. When it felt like a strain the trainer would take down the speed or resistance a bit, which I appreciate but I think I'd rather push through than take it down.

I just need to modify my responses to him if that's what he's going to do. It'll be interesting.

Again I had the anger response. It seems that this is one of the few ways I allow myself to channel it anymore. I'm paying more attention to myself and my reactions this time around in order to try to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Why do I keep falling off of this wagon. Why do I stop going?

I had a big insight into it last night. As Sean said before, loathing is a horrible motivator. I have to say that last night after I pushed through the anger, I felt myself drop. I didn't just have an emotional low, I crashed. I felt depressed, almost to the level of despair. And I remember this happening before. I've just never really attached anything to it or was able to clear through to /why/ this happens. And John, our trainer, was just trying to spur us on but he tapped into something in me.

I hate myself.

It is hard to say. It is a difficult truth to encompass and to understand.

I'm not saying I'm not a nice person and I'm not saying that I'm not intelligent or someone that people wouldn't want to be around. There are parts of me that are great. Very, very few of them have anything to do with how I look.

I've suppressed a lot of my loathing for myself in order to be able to function on a day to day basis. No, I don't like the way I look. No, looking at myself in the mirror doesn't help me want to be more active or do more or diet super hard. It just makes me depressed and hate myself a little more. The picture with Wil is awesome, I just have a really hard time looking at it. I wish I were one of those people who runs ten miles when they get depressed but that's not me. I cannot remember a time when I wasn't overweight. Literally. All of the pictures I have of myself going back to being 5 or 6 show me that way.

I remember when I was younger (seven or eight), I would have a hard time sleeping because of anxiety. Was I smart enough? Was I funny? Was I pretty? And then there was all of the taking care of my little sister stuff. I started suppressing a lot of these worries so I could do what I needed to do day to day.

And yesterday I was reminded of how much of it is down there. I wanted to crawl into bed and cry for an hour. And that, my friends, is a HORRIBLE re-enforcement for going to the gym. But, as I thought to myself this morning, I can be stronger than that. I can be more than that and better than that.

I think I need a few fitness icons.

Comments

[apestyle.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing. I wonder if I have some self-loathing going on assisting in preventing me from being consistent in the gym, or if its simple laziness.

[quipper.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

In all seriousness, Kat, are you thinking about or taking meds to help you with your emotional self? I mean, what you're describing is incredibly intense, and it shouldn't have to be. I mean, it's good to go work out, it's good to be motivated to do so.. but you shouldn't need to wrestle with things that dark without assistance.

I think we talked about this some last time I visited, but unfortunately my mommy-brain is a sieve and I can't remember it very clearly.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, on my part, it is laziness but I suspect there is a lot more going on underneath. I suspect it is something of a front for deeper issues. It is a lot easier saying I'm tired or I hurt or I don't feel like it.

[uberdude.livejournal.com]

I can relate very much to your feelings. There have been times when I get so frustrated and unhappy with myself in the midst of excercise that I get angry or realy depressed. I sometimes find myself construcrting a scenario in my head where I just stop and walk out and I find I'm pissed at my Sifu or whoever is leading the excercise session or I'm working out with.

I have a freaking awful time gaining any ground in wieght loss and I sometimes just want to throw in the towel. I've been doing my current cardio kickboxing trip for well over a year and I can't seem to get through whatever barrier I'm hitting. It's realy frustrating and I now and then find I beat myself up calling myself a fat slob or what not. It's a bad trap to get into. Gotta take care of ourselves both on and off the training floor. Body mind and soul.

I find I can hit that crash place of super sad/self loathing a lot easier now that I'm aproaching 40 (uhg). If I jazz my brain out on caffine earlier in the day, I crash super hard. If I let my blood sugar crash it's bad. Not enough sleep? Awful. Missing excercise too much? Sad. Combine any of those? Dear gods.


My Sifu reminds me that the trick is NOT to train harder. It;s to Train Smarter. Muscling through this kind of stuff works for kids sometimes because they have a stupid abundance of energy that bounces back faster. We need to be wise and apply skill and brain to our aproach.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

I have taken meds for these sorts of things in the past. The real problem is I have yet to find a medication that doesn't turn me into a zombie. The ups and downs are a bitch but going back to that world of feelingless grey is worse.

[jeditigger.livejournal.com]

That's why I mentioned Zoloft a while ago...because the other meds I tried - and heaven knows I HATE taking drugs - were useless. Zoloft WORKS for me. There's going to be one out there that works with your body's chemistry, and you owe it to yourself to find it, angel.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Yeah. That's pretty much everything right there.

Maybe I'll try to ween myself away from caffine again but that's a hard battle.

[arian1.livejournal.com]

It's hard as hell to get going at first, but once you get "the bug" you run with it :) Hang in there!!

[jeditigger.livejournal.com]

I think your sifu is very wise.

I might note that, now that I'm over 40, a lot of the recriminations and whatnot are gone. I'm utterly hooked on working out right now and have bothered my Vegas friends with details on accessing their gyms and pools so I don't stop while on vacation.

The only thing I can really advise you is to try not to internalize it so much...and use working out as a way to get out those frustrations. I had what I call an "angry" workout yesterday afternoon; over 30 minutes of hard toiling and pushing on the elliptical until I felt sick. :) But I find swimming to be very Zen for me, so maybe such a Zen activity is out there for you, too.

*hug* I need to call you still. :/

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Right now, I don't know if I really want to go through the horribleness of finding something. Let me really actually get going with the working out stuff and see what happens. If I get established into this (a month or so) and this is still happening, I'll go talk to someone but I don't know if I could handle messing around with all of that at the same time right now.

[jeditigger.livejournal.com]

Well, working out changes your body's chemistry too, so there's wisdom in your thoughts. I just want you to be happy.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

The last time I tried to find a medication it was awful. Truly awful. I got so much worse before I got to the grey wastes of nothing... Ugh.

[qijm.livejournal.com]

I think I did a whole lot better overall once I was going to the gym regularly and cutting waaaay back on caffeine. Unfortunately, I fell off the wagon and have had trouble getting back on.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

I've heard that but I've never gotten to that point before, even after months. So... Maybe I'm associating things incorrectly in my brain. Dunno.

[uberdude.livejournal.com]

I found an old adage to be very very true in that regard. When making lifestyle changes, do it a little at a time. The body likes homeostasis. Lots of radical changes almost always sets you up for failure.

If you are just starting to work out, don't make any big changes for the first 2-4 weeks. Then start tracking how much caffine you're consuming, don;t even change teh ammount, just track it. Then after a week or so, start setting some moderate goals in reduction, then after a while, reduce some more and so on. Or something like that, since this is just an example I pulled out of the air.

I usualy recomend first getting into the habbit of drinking lots of water over the day on a regular basis as the first lifestyle change. Water is soooo freaking key to health/fitness/happy stuff.

*Love 'n hugz*

[lithera.livejournal.com]

*nods*

Stupid caffeine.

[quipper.livejournal.com]

That's right! I remember that now.

And I'm totally sorry to hear that.

Hmm, have you tried any herbal stuffs? For years I used to use St. John's Wort, and it really helped keep me level. In fact, I was really pissed when they told me I can't use it anymore because of what I'm on now. I really wish I could go back to it.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

*chuckles*

Yeah. That's a good thing to keep in mind. And I've been trying to drink more water as well. I know I don't drink enough of it as it is.

[uberdude.livejournal.com]

Yeah Sifu is crazy wise. He's a pretty amazing guy. He's never about the guilt or recriminations if I'm away for a whiel. He just says 'This is your home, we love you and are always here for you when you're ready to be here'


...and then he kicks my ass on the mat ;)

[lithera.livejournal.com]

I used St. John's Wort and never really noticed a difference. It might have been that I wasn't paying attention to the right things. Or it might have been gradual enough that I just didn't notice.

[quipper.livejournal.com]

Well, that beats the gray wasteland.. maybe it's something you could try again, now that you're in a place where you're feeling.. tuned in.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

It is an idea. I'm going to try to get established in the gym pattern and see if I notice an differences with that and then from there, I'll start tinkering.

[arian1.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it varies for everyone. Usually it's after about 3 months when your body really starts to get used to the regular routine and you feel your energy pick up. It's also when most people expierence that initial weight loss if that's their focus so mentally your brain processes results. The important thing is to stick with it. I still owe you recipes

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Hrmmmm.

I'm still hard pressed to accept that it even exists. But enough people have felt it that it has to be out there...

[qijm.livejournal.com]

It's a weird mental block I have... I lost 40 lbs, was sleeping a lot better--didn't need my CPAP anymore--had a lot more energy, and was generally feeling fucking awesome. I know all this, and yet I can't get back to doing it.

The weight is all back, I need the machine, I'm tired all the time, I'm back to heavy caffeine use. The trick is to stay with it. I actually found having pre-paid for personal training sessions was a pretty good motivator, but that probably only works if you don't have mental issues with money as well. (I'm not saying you do, or anything. Just that, if someone happened to, it might be easier to give into "Well, I'm used to wasting money")