More working out stuff.
May. 14th, 2008 09:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
litheraThis one is a bit different than the others so far.
This one might get a bit deep. So. Live with me, will you? And I'm not looking for sympathy. Mike, at least, knows I do my best digging around in my head out on paper. Or in this case on a screen.
And it was good. I pushed myself, though this morning I'm not all that sore. My left arm and parts of my back have twinges in them but I need to remember this. I can push myself further than I did. Last night I felt like I was going to fall over at points and I was a bit wobbily at times but I'm not that sore today. When it felt like a strain the trainer would take down the speed or resistance a bit, which I appreciate but I think I'd rather push through than take it down.
I just need to modify my responses to him if that's what he's going to do. It'll be interesting.
Again I had the anger response. It seems that this is one of the few ways I allow myself to channel it anymore. I'm paying more attention to myself and my reactions this time around in order to try to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Why do I keep falling off of this wagon. Why do I stop going?
I had a big insight into it last night. As Sean said before, loathing is a horrible motivator. I have to say that last night after I pushed through the anger, I felt myself drop. I didn't just have an emotional low, I crashed. I felt depressed, almost to the level of despair. And I remember this happening before. I've just never really attached anything to it or was able to clear through to /why/ this happens. And John, our trainer, was just trying to spur us on but he tapped into something in me.
I hate myself.
It is hard to say. It is a difficult truth to encompass and to understand.
I'm not saying I'm not a nice person and I'm not saying that I'm not intelligent or someone that people wouldn't want to be around. There are parts of me that are great. Very, very few of them have anything to do with how I look.
I've suppressed a lot of my loathing for myself in order to be able to function on a day to day basis. No, I don't like the way I look. No, looking at myself in the mirror doesn't help me want to be more active or do more or diet super hard. It just makes me depressed and hate myself a little more. The picture with Wil is awesome, I just have a really hard time looking at it. I wish I were one of those people who runs ten miles when they get depressed but that's not me. I cannot remember a time when I wasn't overweight. Literally. All of the pictures I have of myself going back to being 5 or 6 show me that way.
I remember when I was younger (seven or eight), I would have a hard time sleeping because of anxiety. Was I smart enough? Was I funny? Was I pretty? And then there was all of the taking care of my little sister stuff. I started suppressing a lot of these worries so I could do what I needed to do day to day.
And yesterday I was reminded of how much of it is down there. I wanted to crawl into bed and cry for an hour. And that, my friends, is a HORRIBLE re-enforcement for going to the gym. But, as I thought to myself this morning, I can be stronger than that. I can be more than that and better than that.
I think I need a few fitness icons.
This one might get a bit deep. So. Live with me, will you? And I'm not looking for sympathy. Mike, at least, knows I do my best digging around in my head out on paper. Or in this case on a screen.
And it was good. I pushed myself, though this morning I'm not all that sore. My left arm and parts of my back have twinges in them but I need to remember this. I can push myself further than I did. Last night I felt like I was going to fall over at points and I was a bit wobbily at times but I'm not that sore today. When it felt like a strain the trainer would take down the speed or resistance a bit, which I appreciate but I think I'd rather push through than take it down.
I just need to modify my responses to him if that's what he's going to do. It'll be interesting.
Again I had the anger response. It seems that this is one of the few ways I allow myself to channel it anymore. I'm paying more attention to myself and my reactions this time around in order to try to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Why do I keep falling off of this wagon. Why do I stop going?
I had a big insight into it last night. As Sean said before, loathing is a horrible motivator. I have to say that last night after I pushed through the anger, I felt myself drop. I didn't just have an emotional low, I crashed. I felt depressed, almost to the level of despair. And I remember this happening before. I've just never really attached anything to it or was able to clear through to /why/ this happens. And John, our trainer, was just trying to spur us on but he tapped into something in me.
I hate myself.
It is hard to say. It is a difficult truth to encompass and to understand.
I'm not saying I'm not a nice person and I'm not saying that I'm not intelligent or someone that people wouldn't want to be around. There are parts of me that are great. Very, very few of them have anything to do with how I look.
I've suppressed a lot of my loathing for myself in order to be able to function on a day to day basis. No, I don't like the way I look. No, looking at myself in the mirror doesn't help me want to be more active or do more or diet super hard. It just makes me depressed and hate myself a little more. The picture with Wil is awesome, I just have a really hard time looking at it. I wish I were one of those people who runs ten miles when they get depressed but that's not me. I cannot remember a time when I wasn't overweight. Literally. All of the pictures I have of myself going back to being 5 or 6 show me that way.
I remember when I was younger (seven or eight), I would have a hard time sleeping because of anxiety. Was I smart enough? Was I funny? Was I pretty? And then there was all of the taking care of my little sister stuff. I started suppressing a lot of these worries so I could do what I needed to do day to day.
And yesterday I was reminded of how much of it is down there. I wanted to crawl into bed and cry for an hour. And that, my friends, is a HORRIBLE re-enforcement for going to the gym. But, as I thought to myself this morning, I can be stronger than that. I can be more than that and better than that.
I think I need a few fitness icons.
