As someone I know likes to say...

[lithera]

... some motherfuckers' always tryin' to ice skate uphill.

In other words, I've got to do things my way, eve if my way isn't always the best way or the easy way. I'm a contradiction to myself. It sucks but it is that way.

I want to be able to leave but I want people to find me. I want people to find me but I don't want people to hold me down. I want people to hold me down but I want to be able to leave....

This often times makes living with me interesting and strange. I know. It would be nice to find where I put my center for this big spinny thing called my life.

It boils down to me actively trying to make things better for myself but, right now, all of those moves are only adding stress to my life. I'm leaking stress everywhere right now. I hate that. I hate it alot.

I need ... something. I can't think of what it is just now.

It has gotten easier to say no than to say yes again. I hate that. I really hate that.

Ugh.

Getting it out in some form helps. As usual.

Comments

[torquemada.livejournal.com]

Well... try it out. See how it goes. Really, seriously try it.

If it sucks, you have my number.

Also, try to think of... I dunno, low-pressure kinds of things to do with people? Things closer to genuine hanging out, where you're not feeling pressured to be a hostess or in charge or on point so much. Maybe I can drag you and some books out to a coffee place off the hill somewhere and we can just sit and drink stuff and not run into anyone we know and just read quietly or something, together, but in our own spaces. Maybe it's that kind of thing you're missing.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

It is an idea.