lithera | You know...

I should really just go to sleep. It seems I am at my most content when I am asleep. No one hurts me. I don't hurt myelf. I don't want for anythign I don't already have. Things are nice when I'm asleep. The cances of me remembering my dreams are small.

I get on-line looking for people and no one is on. No one I can talk to anyway. Everyone in the apartment is engaging in conversation quietly and I am not a part of it. It's cool, it just tends towards one feeling lonely. Being an off number is a hard hard thing.

Today I closed myself off in a way I haven't done in years. I put up all the walls and cut myself off. Off from myself, off from the people around me - just off. It's bee awhile since I've been able to do that. Or perhaps it's just been years since I've had a reason.

They're all wonderful people. I'm not being excluded, yet I still feel that way. Alone again in a room of people I call my friends. It's a hideous feeling. I think it's all coming back... the feeling, the pasion, the sometimes overwhelming intensity of it all. I can't help but welcome it. It's horrible in it's dreadful glory. I wish I lived in a time where that last phrase won't be mocked and make people roll their eyes. Things seem brighter and darker with it, though it's not a good thing.

What to do with the renewed insensity? It frightens me. One step at a time I guess. Are there any other choices?

I have amazing hearing. I wish it was just a little better or I was better at distinguishing noises. Or words.

To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come...

I wish I could sleep. I know, however, that as soon as I lay down to go to sleep the little ound of the cars in the street, the conversation in other rooms and all of those other little noises will keep me awake. It's so hard to sleep sometimes.

I don't like where my thoughts are going and I'm going to top writing now for fear that I say something entirely stupid or hurtful.