You know...
May. 27th, 2001 02:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
litheraI should really just go to sleep. It seems I am at my most content when I am asleep. No one hurts me. I don't hurt myelf. I don't want for anythign I don't already have. Things are nice when I'm asleep. The cances of me remembering my dreams are small.
I get on-line looking for people and no one is on. No one I can talk to anyway. Everyone in the apartment is engaging in conversation quietly and I am not a part of it. It's cool, it just tends towards one feeling lonely. Being an off number is a hard hard thing.
Today I closed myself off in a way I haven't done in years. I put up all the walls and cut myself off. Off from myself, off from the people around me - just off. It's bee awhile since I've been able to do that. Or perhaps it's just been years since I've had a reason.
They're all wonderful people. I'm not being excluded, yet I still feel that way. Alone again in a room of people I call my friends. It's a hideous feeling. I think it's all coming back... the feeling, the pasion, the sometimes overwhelming intensity of it all. I can't help but welcome it. It's horrible in it's dreadful glory. I wish I lived in a time where that last phrase won't be mocked and make people roll their eyes. Things seem brighter and darker with it, though it's not a good thing.
What to do with the renewed insensity? It frightens me. One step at a time I guess. Are there any other choices?
I have amazing hearing. I wish it was just a little better or I was better at distinguishing noises. Or words.
To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come...
I wish I could sleep. I know, however, that as soon as I lay down to go to sleep the little ound of the cars in the street, the conversation in other rooms and all of those other little noises will keep me awake. It's so hard to sleep sometimes.
I don't like where my thoughts are going and I'm going to top writing now for fear that I say something entirely stupid or hurtful.
I get on-line looking for people and no one is on. No one I can talk to anyway. Everyone in the apartment is engaging in conversation quietly and I am not a part of it. It's cool, it just tends towards one feeling lonely. Being an off number is a hard hard thing.
Today I closed myself off in a way I haven't done in years. I put up all the walls and cut myself off. Off from myself, off from the people around me - just off. It's bee awhile since I've been able to do that. Or perhaps it's just been years since I've had a reason.
They're all wonderful people. I'm not being excluded, yet I still feel that way. Alone again in a room of people I call my friends. It's a hideous feeling. I think it's all coming back... the feeling, the pasion, the sometimes overwhelming intensity of it all. I can't help but welcome it. It's horrible in it's dreadful glory. I wish I lived in a time where that last phrase won't be mocked and make people roll their eyes. Things seem brighter and darker with it, though it's not a good thing.
What to do with the renewed insensity? It frightens me. One step at a time I guess. Are there any other choices?
I have amazing hearing. I wish it was just a little better or I was better at distinguishing noises. Or words.
To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come...
I wish I could sleep. I know, however, that as soon as I lay down to go to sleep the little ound of the cars in the street, the conversation in other rooms and all of those other little noises will keep me awake. It's so hard to sleep sometimes.
I don't like where my thoughts are going and I'm going to top writing now for fear that I say something entirely stupid or hurtful.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2001-05-27 03:14 am (UTC)I'd be happy to talk with you whenever... I didn't realize you had AIM.
I'm mewty.
I'm always on (unless I'm unconcious...).
I feel the same way about sleep.
Maybe that's why I "sleep" for 15 hours a day.
I know it's not good for me.
But sometimes I just like to be in my own world.
no subject
Date: 2001-05-27 07:42 am (UTC)It creeps in at times, doesn't it? The veil over everything.. slips.. and reveals a glimpse of its truth, and somehow parts us from the lifeweb, from contact with others. The times in the night when we can stand aside and almost see, when every whisper and creak and echo seems to get in the way of something, something we seek with an ineffable yearning. As if in total silence we could hear the truth in its fullness -- and yet that's exactly what we fear. Dreading to hear ourselves think, dreading not being able to. We look at others and we smile, not because we're happy but because we know they are.. because they can't see. They're not touched by the echoes, and we wonder how they can't see that we are, how they can't look at us and stare in awe or fear or disgust. But it slips past them like a ship in the night, because they will not see. Content in their blindness, and we curse them for it in jealousy even while believing ourselves better for not being as they are. Paradox upon paradox layered upon our own minds and if we could simply break through.. but that's the one thing we're most afraid of.
For what is left when all masks are laid aside, every curtain raised and the dust blown away? How much of what lurks behind our eyes is cursed truth, and how much of it the babbling stupidity of a madman? We hear the echoes of the Real and we wonder if we really hear them..
Is this our world? Or are we few (growing now, growing more) chained to one where we do not belong? And if so, is the solution to withdraw.. or to change it? And how?
no subject
Date: 2001-05-29 09:06 am (UTC)I don't know. I think over all I'm looking for connection. Connection is a good, good thing.
What are you looking for?
no subject
Date: 2001-05-30 12:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-05-28 05:13 am (UTC)Life is a roller coaster, it's best to just hold on tight and pray the operator is competent. :~)
no subject
Date: 2001-05-28 10:01 am (UTC)Stay away from the vertical hold, or I'll have to come get you.
Speaking of coming to get you, I'm sitting here at my work desk - AND I STILL HAVEN'T BEEN PAID.
Thus, I am broke and cannot take you to lunch :(
Ima go hunt down the paycheck man now and reschedule for you, okily dokily?
Re:
Date: 2001-05-28 11:20 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-05-28 01:03 pm (UTC)If I don't get paid by tomorrow morning, I'm hitting the "Format" button on the servers.
Re:
Date: 2001-05-28 04:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-05-29 09:00 am (UTC)Sleep is a good thing. A great escape from the world.
Of course, so is Tacoma, in a way.
See my journal for that story.
Apart from that, buy a fern. Do it. You need one.
no subject
Date: 2001-05-29 09:08 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-05-29 09:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-05-29 09:22 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-05-29 10:43 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-05-29 11:41 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-05-29 11:43 am (UTC)