lithera | Hrmmm. I should keep up with this.

Saturday was a quick 40 minutes on the eliptical machine instead of a trainer workout because I had to get back home to pack up and run, run, run to the gorge with Sean for Sasquatch. Man, that was hard. Part of it was that it was just elipticals and I get that now but it was easier to manage time and keep my heart rate where I wanted it doing that.

Last night was hard, partially because I pushed myself super hard. Stairs suck, suck, suck but I pushed myself to do them faster than I did last time. They're just stairs, damnit. They will not defeat me. I won't let them. Just 180 stairs up and 180 stairs down. (18 up, you see...) We're starting to work on different machines and that I can do. I can do that all day long at the weights we're at. That stuff doesn't get to me nearly as much. The last bit of elipticals at the end was hard. I hit that wall again. The orange before working out helps and it helps A LOT. Thank you all for the idea but when I hit that wall, it still sucks. I hit it later and that is a blessing and a curse. There is a mental fog that comes with it, which actually helps me go for longer but it is something of a danger to be walking around a gym only sort of paying attention.

I should get on a scale.

I don't know if I'm up to that yet.

I'm starting to notice that I want to go to the gym about the same amount that I don't want to know. This is an improvement as it used to be I didn't want to go at all but I had an appointment and that is like a promise and so I had to go. Maybe I'll get to a point where I actually want to go. Hard to say at this point but I can sort of believe that that point is out there somewhere.

I also need to investigate why I want to breakdown and cry when our trainer starts talking about 'doing this for yourselves' and 'reclaiming our lives'. There is a big tangle of mess there in my head and I don't know if I'm up to trying to untangle it right now. I have a feeling this is another angle toward the 'end up a crazy old cat lady' issue and all that waits under the surface there. As well as the wonderful sabotaging fear of success.

Awesome.

Grumpy bunny girl shall cheer me up. Look, she's so cute when she's grumpy.