(no subject)
Sep. 9th, 2001 08:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
litheraBlah. It's Sunday. I feel really stupid for multiple reasons today. Arg. I hate it when I forget things. I get paid Friday. That's a good thing. A very good thing. Maybe I can convince someone to help me get a papa-san.
I find myself, now that I live alone, more and more interested by family structures. There are many kinds of families and I want to build one around me. I used to have one and it... it seperated and went its own ways.
I built another one and the same thing happened.
I see several of these families. I am on the edge of no less than three of them, but as much as I am loved by the people in them I do not feel apart of them. This is hard.
I miss the intamacy of not having to use words to speak. I miss the long conversations cuddles on the floor or the couch or whatever. I miss late, late, late nights talking about things and dreams and.... anything. It's not the romantic side that I want either, I miss actively *knowing* people.
I feel like I'm sitting by the wall watching everyone else having fun and even when they invite me to join them... somehow when I try it just doesn't work.
I have a feeling that living alone will be good for me and I may even grow to like it (chairs will help) but it will not be an easy process.
I hope that this is one of those posts that I look back on after some time and can smile about or can see in a different light.
Right now I just feel alone, vaguely stupid and as though I'm really missing a larger part of the picture. As though there is something that should be obvious to me, but I just can't seem to see.
I'll post actual weekend events later.
I find myself, now that I live alone, more and more interested by family structures. There are many kinds of families and I want to build one around me. I used to have one and it... it seperated and went its own ways.
I built another one and the same thing happened.
I see several of these families. I am on the edge of no less than three of them, but as much as I am loved by the people in them I do not feel apart of them. This is hard.
I miss the intamacy of not having to use words to speak. I miss the long conversations cuddles on the floor or the couch or whatever. I miss late, late, late nights talking about things and dreams and.... anything. It's not the romantic side that I want either, I miss actively *knowing* people.
I feel like I'm sitting by the wall watching everyone else having fun and even when they invite me to join them... somehow when I try it just doesn't work.
I have a feeling that living alone will be good for me and I may even grow to like it (chairs will help) but it will not be an easy process.
I hope that this is one of those posts that I look back on after some time and can smile about or can see in a different light.
Right now I just feel alone, vaguely stupid and as though I'm really missing a larger part of the picture. As though there is something that should be obvious to me, but I just can't seem to see.
I'll post actual weekend events later.
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no subject
Date: 2001-09-09 11:44 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-09-10 08:19 am (UTC)I'm thinking blues and greys. It seems faintly dismal, but it also seems faintly comforting.
no subject
Date: 2001-09-10 08:32 am (UTC)I have a family, but my other "families" seem to be moving on and on and without me.
Interesting to see them all moving along, but sad to not be a part of their activities.
Re:
Date: 2001-09-10 08:57 am (UTC)I know. I never said I was the only one.
When I come up with a solution, I'll let you know.
Re:
Date: 2001-09-10 08:58 am (UTC)Good luck.
BTW, LJ is about the only way to be even close as far as I can see...