Meh...

[lithera]

There is something about big round numbers that inspires a person to dread and fear.

It seems idiotic that a number like 30 should be so frightening when I know so many people past that number and past 40, 50, 60 and 70 who continue to be vibrant, energetic, active and fascinating people.

Still, I look at 30 and wonder if I'm starting to become less mentally flexible. Am I becoming less accepting to new ideas or new viewpoints? Am I less willing to try new experiences, to go and jump off new cliffs because I can, because they're there? I love structure but I also love knocking them down in order to rebuild them. I love rituals but I love expanding and changing them as well.

Sometimes I wonder all of my ruts and paths are just simply different than the ones others around me are walking in but they're still there. What is the difference between tradition and not being able to look beyond what you've done before? Have I accomplished enough? What have I accomplished? Have I really done anything of lasting importance? I know we can't all be in history books but there is that desire to leave something behind, to be better, to make things better than you found them.

Time to look around and take stock. Time to see where I want to go, what I want to do. Make a new list of priorities and desires. See what more I can do with myself. I'm in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction with myself and my life, except I have no idea what it is I keep striving for, where I want to get, what I want to do. It isn't like I can say, "I want to write" or "I want to be the CEO of a multinational."

All of the things I do come up with seem so very mundane. And that leaves something of a bitter taste behind. I want a life less ordinary, as it were. I want a life less solitary as well, though that somehow seems the more daunting of the two.

I really just don't know.

And so I come back to where I started on this. Meh.

Comments

[mizkit.livejournal.com]

All of the things I do come up with seem so very mundane.

For what it's worth, I think an awful lot of us feel that way. *hugs* And happy oncoming birthday, huh?

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Well, that's comforting. Especially coming from someone who is living in Ireland and a many times over published sort of person. *grins*

Yeah. I'm about three weeks out at this point.

[pullthestars.livejournal.com]

There's nothing holding you back from saying, "I want to be the CEO of a multi-national company". And then doing it.

and as for the life less solitary -- just don't settle, OK? I know that the liklihood of that for is pretty small, You just have to get out there and pursue and DO.

(funny coming from me, eh? Since I am not practicing what I preach.)

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Well, no, there isn't. I just don't know what that big goal for me is. No idea. Maybe I just don't have one. That's possible.

Yeah. I ... I don't know. On the less solitary. I just don't know.

Might I recommend two books?

[fixerbard.livejournal.com]

"Way of the Peaceful Warrior"

and

"No Ordinary Moments"

both are by Dan Millman

Re: Might I recommend two books?

[lithera.livejournal.com]

I will take a look.

[orcaarrow.livejournal.com]

You can't help how you feel. There seems to be some weight attached to the decade and half decade marks.

From the sounds of it you are doing very well for yourself as you start your new decade. I've been here for a while and am still wondering why I'm not going anywhere further along.

[thezzyzx.livejournal.com]

The thirties actually are a pretty good decade. Old enough that you can have freedom to do things, young enough that your body will still let you. I'm about 10 months away from 40 and that I'm dreading...

[littledrow.livejournal.com]

Oh man...you and I are in the same boat

[amit.livejournal.com]

*snugs* These thoughts haunt me sometimes when i'm in that place between being awake and being asleep.

They're perfectly normal.

[littledrow.livejournal.com]

It's perfectly ok to dread your 30th birthday. Don't fight it. Embrace the hate and let it ride. Fighting against it just makes it worse. Just get it out of your system. Because...

Your 30s are the best! That's when everything start sinking into the same shaped holes, and shit starts making sense. Z had it right...still young enough to have fun but old enough to have the wisdom to not ruin it by going overboard.

My 20s were wild, experimentative, horrible, uninhibited and self destructive. My 30s have been wild, happy, mostly controlled and fun. Look forward to them!

[lithera.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks, sweetie.

[candidgamera.livejournal.com]

I got about two months left before that milestone - can't say as it bothers me. :) It's all mental..

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Some days are worse than others.

[fireballof3.livejournal.com]

Yaknow, the big milestone number events have been largely unimpressive.

21st birthday party was non-existant.
30th birthday party was nice and relaxed.

But the shit that happened those years? Fuckin great.

21 - David's born, Leigh and I move in together, I line stuff up to work @ WotC.
30 - I get a promotion and start makin some real money and having real responsibilities.

My 20s I spent flailing around trying to figure out what I wanted to be in my life.
My 30s are acting on what I figured out towards the end of my 20s.

It's merely another phase of being. Look at it as a time to finally chase down your goals and beat them into submission and make them yours.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

Heh. I think I need to finish figuring out what they really are first.

[fireballof3.livejournal.com]

I think you might have a better idea than you realize. ;-)

Hang in there and roll with it - it's a fun ride regardless.

[lithera.livejournal.com]

I'll have to take your word for that. *chuckles*