Commonality...
Oct. 4th, 2004 09:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
litheraI went to the gym this morning.
I am very tired.
For some reason it is very difficult for me to find motivation to keep up the dieting and the going to the gym. It is difficult for me to find it within myself. I've been dealing with myself for so long that it is hard to bring my willpower to bear on the situation. I have an amazingly capacity to be stubborn about things. I just have a difficult time using that for the forces of good, as it were.
What's more important than self-esteem and my physical health? Well, apparently complacency, for the most part.
That's not entirely fair.
I know that isn't really true. Every time I start doing this, (which in istelf is a very depressing comment) I always end up having to fight with myself. I spent years and years getting to the point where I can accept me for who I am, accept how I look and if not be proud of it, be able to accept it. Now that I'm working on changing that, for the better, I feel as though I'm betraying all that work on self-acceptance.
I know it is just another game my mind plays with me. One of very, very many, I must say.
Looking for motivation outside of myself doesn't work very well, either. In the end, shouldn't I be doing this for myself anyway?
Unfortunately, myself is terrified of the potential results and isn't sure it wants to live in a brave new world. Still. I'm not giving up. It's hard but I'm not giving up.
There are some days, though, where it feels very tempting to just throw it all away. And I don't even really know why. It's perverse.
I would also like to take this moment to mention that sometimes people make me sad. I've gotten used to it but there is almost always something new that just makes me sigh. I want to walk up to some people and shake them and ask them how they think these things are good ideas... People get to do what they want and looking at my thoughts above... well, I prove my own point, don't I?
I am very tired.
For some reason it is very difficult for me to find motivation to keep up the dieting and the going to the gym. It is difficult for me to find it within myself. I've been dealing with myself for so long that it is hard to bring my willpower to bear on the situation. I have an amazingly capacity to be stubborn about things. I just have a difficult time using that for the forces of good, as it were.
What's more important than self-esteem and my physical health? Well, apparently complacency, for the most part.
That's not entirely fair.
I know that isn't really true. Every time I start doing this, (which in istelf is a very depressing comment) I always end up having to fight with myself. I spent years and years getting to the point where I can accept me for who I am, accept how I look and if not be proud of it, be able to accept it. Now that I'm working on changing that, for the better, I feel as though I'm betraying all that work on self-acceptance.
I know it is just another game my mind plays with me. One of very, very many, I must say.
Looking for motivation outside of myself doesn't work very well, either. In the end, shouldn't I be doing this for myself anyway?
Unfortunately, myself is terrified of the potential results and isn't sure it wants to live in a brave new world. Still. I'm not giving up. It's hard but I'm not giving up.
There are some days, though, where it feels very tempting to just throw it all away. And I don't even really know why. It's perverse.
I would also like to take this moment to mention that sometimes people make me sad. I've gotten used to it but there is almost always something new that just makes me sigh. I want to walk up to some people and shake them and ask them how they think these things are good ideas... People get to do what they want and looking at my thoughts above... well, I prove my own point, don't I?
