lithera | (no subject)

It sucks. Everytime I think I'm okay, I suddenly get all jumpy again.

It makes me angry that I'm this jumpy. It makes me angry that I'm scared. It makes me angry that this has the power to make me so uncertain. It makes me angry that I don't feel safe. It makes me angry that the liberating decision to live on my own has now turned into something almost paralyzing. It makes me angry that I can't sleep some nights.

I'm not an angry person. This is not natural for me. I'm not dealing with being frightened and angry very well. If I seem sort of stand-offish - that's why. I'm still freaked out. The logic sid of my brain and the emotion side of my brain are talking less than normal and when they do it's to convince me that there is a man out there who wants to kill me. Not me specifically but me generally.

Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!!!!

Never have I been so envious of those who have family near by. Never before have I so desperately wanted someone to come hold me and make me feel safe. Never before, paradoxically, have I been so determined to weather something on my own, not depending on anyone. Never before have I been uncomfortable with my own emotional reaction to something.

I'm so confused and scared.

If I snap at you or shy away from you touching me in the next while, it's not because I don't like you. It's just because there are very few people who feel safe and everyone else feels like a threat. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.

Now I try to go to sleep so I can get up early and train people in the morning.