Hockey funny...
Jul. 22nd, 2002 09:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
litheraFunny money
By ROBERT TYCHKOWSKI -- Edmonton Sun
I had a dream the other night. More like a nightmare, actually.
The War of 2004 was fast approaching and the NHL was bracing for a major work stoppage.
The players and agents were strong, militant and all on the same page. As usual, the owners and GMs were not. But with D-Day nearing, the suits huddled together for a last-minute strategy session.
It wasn't pretty, but we join the meeting in progress:
COMMISSIONER: What we need to do first is elect a chairman, and if there are no objections I think Dallas would be a perfect choice.
EDMONTON: Dallas? No offence, but I don't think a guy who just added $14 million to a $52-million payroll should be our point man in salary cap talks.
DALLAS: Why not?
CALGARY: Why not? Because you'll end up giving the players $10 million for a breakfast bagel, that's why.
(Edmonton, Vancouver and Calgary all laugh out loud. Philly doesn't get it).
PHILLY: What kind of bagel?
DALLAS: Very funny, Calgary. Keep it up and we'll make Iginla an offer sheet. Listen, I'd be a perfect chairman. I have the utmost respect for our good friends in, in ... (commish whispers in his ear) ... in Canada. For our good friends down in Canada.
PHILLY: Are we talking a gold bagel or something? Because then it's a pretty good deal.
COMMISH (opening a note): Before we continue I'd like to announce a trade. Philly sends Donald Brashear and $5 million to Tampa for Andre Roy.
EDMONTON: You see, this is what we mean. Why did you just throw $5 million in on a bad trade?
PHILLY: I did? Wow. I didn't even notice. Force of habit I guess. Some people bite their nails, some people write $5 million cheques. Funny, huh.
EDMONTON: Hilarious. If I was that funny Edmonton would be in Portland right now.
VANCOUVER (beet-faced and unusually hostile): Listen, if you fools don't stop spending like drunken lottery winners this league is dead. Don't you understand how serious this is? Why not try building a team through the draft instead of with a chequebook.
ST. LOUIS (whispers to Colorado): Geez, who is that guy and what is he yelling about? The only draft in here is coming from his yap.
COLORADO (whispers to St. Louis): Small markets are crying poor again. Just smile and nod and we'll be out of here by noon.
VANCOUVER: I heard that! How would you two like to try buying your way out of a concussion?
COMMISH: Everybody calm down. (Opens another note). The Flyers have made another trade: Andre Roy and $5 million to Tampa for Donald Brashear.
VANCOUVER: What? You just traded for Roy two minutes ago.
PHILLY: Yeah, but he just wasn't working out.
TORONTO: So you just spent $10 million for your own guy! That's lunacy!
COMMISH: That's a $100,000 fine, Toronto. I won't have anyone criticizing the way we do business.
PHILLY: Oh yeah, Toronto, how much are you paying Domi? Who's the lunacy now?
EDMONTON: Who's the lunacy? Listen, can we get back to the point? We have to start cutting back on these salaries. It's killing the small markets.
PHILLY: I agree, this is getting way out of control.
VANCOUVER: You agree? You're one of the worst offenders. You just blew $10 million like you were ordering lunch.
COMMISH: That's a hundred grand, Vancouver.
PHILLY: Hey it's not our fault. I blame Eric. He's the one who bad-mouthed our trainers and ...
CALGARY: You know whose fault it is? The guy with the $50-million budget who's had five different coaches in six seasons and only made it past the first playoff round once in five years.
PHILLY (whispers to Colorado): What moron is he talking about?
COLORADO: No idea, just smile and nod.
COMMISH: Gentlemen we're straying from the issue here. How can we bring salaries under control and ...
ST. LOUIS: Hey, this big table would look great in St. Louis. I'll give you a million for it.
CALGARY: What!?
NEW YORK: I'll give you $3 million over three years.
CALGARY: For a table? This is why we're in such big trouble here. Don't any of you see just how crazy it is to pay $3 million on a whim for a stupid table?
COMMISH: Hundred grand, Calgary.
PHILLY: Calgary's right. It is stupid. If that's real mahogany I'll give you $4 million for it.
EDMONTON: Good grief. Can we stop making trades and buying tables and look at the issue. I don't understand why we're in such a fix over this. We're the ones who set the salaries in the first place. If we all work together and be smart, we can make this league exciting and affordable. Now who's with me?
(Dead silence except for the crickets.)
COMMISH: Dallas and Philly would like to announce a trade. The Stars get Brashear and $5 million. Philly gets this lovely mahogany table.
Buzzzz. Then the alarm went off. Only 771 nights till September 2004.
Sleep tight, Edmonton.
By ROBERT TYCHKOWSKI -- Edmonton Sun
I had a dream the other night. More like a nightmare, actually.
The War of 2004 was fast approaching and the NHL was bracing for a major work stoppage.
The players and agents were strong, militant and all on the same page. As usual, the owners and GMs were not. But with D-Day nearing, the suits huddled together for a last-minute strategy session.
It wasn't pretty, but we join the meeting in progress:
COMMISSIONER: What we need to do first is elect a chairman, and if there are no objections I think Dallas would be a perfect choice.
EDMONTON: Dallas? No offence, but I don't think a guy who just added $14 million to a $52-million payroll should be our point man in salary cap talks.
DALLAS: Why not?
CALGARY: Why not? Because you'll end up giving the players $10 million for a breakfast bagel, that's why.
(Edmonton, Vancouver and Calgary all laugh out loud. Philly doesn't get it).
PHILLY: What kind of bagel?
DALLAS: Very funny, Calgary. Keep it up and we'll make Iginla an offer sheet. Listen, I'd be a perfect chairman. I have the utmost respect for our good friends in, in ... (commish whispers in his ear) ... in Canada. For our good friends down in Canada.
PHILLY: Are we talking a gold bagel or something? Because then it's a pretty good deal.
COMMISH (opening a note): Before we continue I'd like to announce a trade. Philly sends Donald Brashear and $5 million to Tampa for Andre Roy.
EDMONTON: You see, this is what we mean. Why did you just throw $5 million in on a bad trade?
PHILLY: I did? Wow. I didn't even notice. Force of habit I guess. Some people bite their nails, some people write $5 million cheques. Funny, huh.
EDMONTON: Hilarious. If I was that funny Edmonton would be in Portland right now.
VANCOUVER (beet-faced and unusually hostile): Listen, if you fools don't stop spending like drunken lottery winners this league is dead. Don't you understand how serious this is? Why not try building a team through the draft instead of with a chequebook.
ST. LOUIS (whispers to Colorado): Geez, who is that guy and what is he yelling about? The only draft in here is coming from his yap.
COLORADO (whispers to St. Louis): Small markets are crying poor again. Just smile and nod and we'll be out of here by noon.
VANCOUVER: I heard that! How would you two like to try buying your way out of a concussion?
COMMISH: Everybody calm down. (Opens another note). The Flyers have made another trade: Andre Roy and $5 million to Tampa for Donald Brashear.
VANCOUVER: What? You just traded for Roy two minutes ago.
PHILLY: Yeah, but he just wasn't working out.
TORONTO: So you just spent $10 million for your own guy! That's lunacy!
COMMISH: That's a $100,000 fine, Toronto. I won't have anyone criticizing the way we do business.
PHILLY: Oh yeah, Toronto, how much are you paying Domi? Who's the lunacy now?
EDMONTON: Who's the lunacy? Listen, can we get back to the point? We have to start cutting back on these salaries. It's killing the small markets.
PHILLY: I agree, this is getting way out of control.
VANCOUVER: You agree? You're one of the worst offenders. You just blew $10 million like you were ordering lunch.
COMMISH: That's a hundred grand, Vancouver.
PHILLY: Hey it's not our fault. I blame Eric. He's the one who bad-mouthed our trainers and ...
CALGARY: You know whose fault it is? The guy with the $50-million budget who's had five different coaches in six seasons and only made it past the first playoff round once in five years.
PHILLY (whispers to Colorado): What moron is he talking about?
COLORADO: No idea, just smile and nod.
COMMISH: Gentlemen we're straying from the issue here. How can we bring salaries under control and ...
ST. LOUIS: Hey, this big table would look great in St. Louis. I'll give you a million for it.
CALGARY: What!?
NEW YORK: I'll give you $3 million over three years.
CALGARY: For a table? This is why we're in such big trouble here. Don't any of you see just how crazy it is to pay $3 million on a whim for a stupid table?
COMMISH: Hundred grand, Calgary.
PHILLY: Calgary's right. It is stupid. If that's real mahogany I'll give you $4 million for it.
EDMONTON: Good grief. Can we stop making trades and buying tables and look at the issue. I don't understand why we're in such a fix over this. We're the ones who set the salaries in the first place. If we all work together and be smart, we can make this league exciting and affordable. Now who's with me?
(Dead silence except for the crickets.)
COMMISH: Dallas and Philly would like to announce a trade. The Stars get Brashear and $5 million. Philly gets this lovely mahogany table.
Buzzzz. Then the alarm went off. Only 771 nights till September 2004.
Sleep tight, Edmonton.
