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Spring. Yeah, it's spring...
Mar. 22nd, 2001 10:17 amWell. Time for one of those check points where I see how things are going.
Hmmmm.. Where to start...
Job - This one is the easiest and yet its complicated in its way. I have great job security. I have this job security because people are leaving, making people who know how to do my job more important. I like the company I'm working for. My job, while sometimes mind numbingly boring, could also be much, much worse. The problem comes in tha fact that I'm not getting paid well. Part of our compensation was our stock options and it will come as no surprise to anyone that those aren't worth a thing right now. So, I am passively looking for a job right now. Cleaning up my resume, looking in papers, keeping my eyes open. If I see anything that looks good, I'll poke into it.
Friends - Complicated issues here. I have come to a point where I realized that what was really getting to me was that my social circle wasn't large enough for me. I was trapped in with people, who I admittedly loved dearly, but I had been spending too much time with them almost contanstly. Some of them almost constantly for multiple years. After awhile all of those little things are no longer little things and they make you want to scream. I've taken steps to remedy this. I'm spending more time with the people I don't know as well, while trying to get back to a point where I can ignore those little things with everyone else. I'm also trying to welcome people I didn't ever really hang out with into my life.
Tina - It's great to be able to hang out with you. I had some how forgotten how well we got along in that little time we did have.
Schetzle - What can I say, really? So much possiblity and we never really jumped on any of it. About time we started really talking again, don't you think?
Jason - Been on the outskirts out there and I could see that you were an interesting person. For some reason or another I just never seemed to be able to get closer until recently.
Joe - Beale! I've known you for years, man, but I've never really know you at all. It's good to be able to see you more.
I'm not going to list everyone because, I frankly don't have time, but these are the ones that come to mind when I think of people I'm trying to get to know better. Those of you who I already know please forgive me any trespasses in the past three months of psychoticness. Everything seemed to stress me out.
I think way too many things happened all at the same time. Everything is such a blur from Alex's death until last week sometime.... I haven't acheived balance, but I feel closer than I have in a long time and that feels good.
I'm trying to find a way to deal with decisions friends of mine make that I don't agree with. I've seen a lot of these recently and I'm still not sure what to do. For the most part I'm trying to accept and move on. It's rough.
People talking about each other... Well, it happens. It's always happened in this group. I think it will always happen in this group. I think it happens in every group. I admit I did some myself over the past three months. Not all of it was positive. It was part of my reaction to things stressing me out. I try to give people a fair break as often as I can, but sometimes... Sometimes I just lose it and I rant. I rant and I rant well. After that, it's over and I'm done, but still things can be taken the wrong way. If anything I've said has hurt anyone out there, come and tell me. I'd like to appologize in person.
Relationships - Well, I'm about at the same place I was last time I did one of these, though somethings are not as bad as they were before. My sex drive has seemed to have calmed back down a little, that was nice. I'm not obsessing over sex the way I felt I was, even if I wasn't. I am interested in some people, but I don't know how intrested yet. That will take time. I'm at a year and a half, I've got time. I've been looking at relationships around me and for the most part realized that most of them are intensely weird things. Sometimes the ones I see as the weirdest end up looking the most sane and best handled. I'm glad you guys are happy. Forgive me if sometimes your happiness makes me more bitter than I'd like. I'm lonely and it sucks.
What else... Covered money in with the job thing....
Future - Due to some soul searching and some conversation with Cody (Thank you again Cody. You were a dose of clarity when I really needed it.) I have some goals again. I haven't had any goals since I gradutated past - Get job for money. Money for rent, food and clothes. Well, those goals sucked. I think in the end, I'm going to go back to school to try to get into something a little closer to what I really want to do. Now I just have to find a program.
I think I've come around a croner in this damned tunnel. I think I can see the light at the end of it this time and this time... I'm pretty sure it's not another train. The last one was more than enough of a hassle, thank you.
It's interesting... One end of this is marked by the death of a good friend who I MUSHed with and the other end of it is marked by the death of a character who feels like she was a friend. One hurt a lot more than the other - I can always make another character, no one will ever replace Alex - but it very interesting to have defined markers like that. It normally doesn't work that way for me.
Another link in the chain....
Hmmmm.. Where to start...
Job - This one is the easiest and yet its complicated in its way. I have great job security. I have this job security because people are leaving, making people who know how to do my job more important. I like the company I'm working for. My job, while sometimes mind numbingly boring, could also be much, much worse. The problem comes in tha fact that I'm not getting paid well. Part of our compensation was our stock options and it will come as no surprise to anyone that those aren't worth a thing right now. So, I am passively looking for a job right now. Cleaning up my resume, looking in papers, keeping my eyes open. If I see anything that looks good, I'll poke into it.
Friends - Complicated issues here. I have come to a point where I realized that what was really getting to me was that my social circle wasn't large enough for me. I was trapped in with people, who I admittedly loved dearly, but I had been spending too much time with them almost contanstly. Some of them almost constantly for multiple years. After awhile all of those little things are no longer little things and they make you want to scream. I've taken steps to remedy this. I'm spending more time with the people I don't know as well, while trying to get back to a point where I can ignore those little things with everyone else. I'm also trying to welcome people I didn't ever really hang out with into my life.
Tina - It's great to be able to hang out with you. I had some how forgotten how well we got along in that little time we did have.
Schetzle - What can I say, really? So much possiblity and we never really jumped on any of it. About time we started really talking again, don't you think?
Jason - Been on the outskirts out there and I could see that you were an interesting person. For some reason or another I just never seemed to be able to get closer until recently.
Joe - Beale! I've known you for years, man, but I've never really know you at all. It's good to be able to see you more.
I'm not going to list everyone because, I frankly don't have time, but these are the ones that come to mind when I think of people I'm trying to get to know better. Those of you who I already know please forgive me any trespasses in the past three months of psychoticness. Everything seemed to stress me out.
I think way too many things happened all at the same time. Everything is such a blur from Alex's death until last week sometime.... I haven't acheived balance, but I feel closer than I have in a long time and that feels good.
I'm trying to find a way to deal with decisions friends of mine make that I don't agree with. I've seen a lot of these recently and I'm still not sure what to do. For the most part I'm trying to accept and move on. It's rough.
People talking about each other... Well, it happens. It's always happened in this group. I think it will always happen in this group. I think it happens in every group. I admit I did some myself over the past three months. Not all of it was positive. It was part of my reaction to things stressing me out. I try to give people a fair break as often as I can, but sometimes... Sometimes I just lose it and I rant. I rant and I rant well. After that, it's over and I'm done, but still things can be taken the wrong way. If anything I've said has hurt anyone out there, come and tell me. I'd like to appologize in person.
Relationships - Well, I'm about at the same place I was last time I did one of these, though somethings are not as bad as they were before. My sex drive has seemed to have calmed back down a little, that was nice. I'm not obsessing over sex the way I felt I was, even if I wasn't. I am interested in some people, but I don't know how intrested yet. That will take time. I'm at a year and a half, I've got time. I've been looking at relationships around me and for the most part realized that most of them are intensely weird things. Sometimes the ones I see as the weirdest end up looking the most sane and best handled. I'm glad you guys are happy. Forgive me if sometimes your happiness makes me more bitter than I'd like. I'm lonely and it sucks.
What else... Covered money in with the job thing....
Future - Due to some soul searching and some conversation with Cody (Thank you again Cody. You were a dose of clarity when I really needed it.) I have some goals again. I haven't had any goals since I gradutated past - Get job for money. Money for rent, food and clothes. Well, those goals sucked. I think in the end, I'm going to go back to school to try to get into something a little closer to what I really want to do. Now I just have to find a program.
I think I've come around a croner in this damned tunnel. I think I can see the light at the end of it this time and this time... I'm pretty sure it's not another train. The last one was more than enough of a hassle, thank you.
It's interesting... One end of this is marked by the death of a good friend who I MUSHed with and the other end of it is marked by the death of a character who feels like she was a friend. One hurt a lot more than the other - I can always make another character, no one will ever replace Alex - but it very interesting to have defined markers like that. It normally doesn't work that way for me.
Another link in the chain....
