I went to the gym last night. I did 45+ minutes on the elipitcal machine. And, well, I felt good afterward. It is a little weird. I didn't feel angry or in pain or worn down to nothing. I felt... good. Which is not something I can ever remember a workout at a gym doing. The only difference I am aware of is that I was watching college football while doing it.

Honestly, if watching TV or sports in general can make me want to not only, continue exercising, but push harder in doing so? Sign me up. I will freaking watch whatever it is I need in order to do that hour of cardio 3+ times a week. Maybe it is some sort of mental response to watching people do something physically taxing, some sort of 'hey, I can do that to'. I really have no idea it but I like it.

Totally unrelated, it is good to remember that while all squares are rhombuses, not all rhombuses are squares. And this also applies to people and pretty much every possible way you could slice up different ways to look at people. (And some even go a bit further than that.)

What else... Oh! We're going to have THE BEST CONCERT EVER in February. Seriously. I am so excited about singing some of this music on stage. It just keeps getting better and better. Tonight I'm going to try to become a Von Trap child. We'll see how it goes.
I saw a Watchmen smiley face on a pole on the way in to work this morning. Made me smile for a moment.

I had an argument with a friend last night as a Mod of the on-line RP community I'm most active in. I don't react well to this sort of thing and reacting less and less well to it over time. I'm internalizing my reaction more and more - which is causing some interesting issues with physical reactions to stress. It makes me wonder if I should still be doing this. Maybe it is time to step away from being a Mod. If I'm going to go to sleep thinking about these things, dreaming about them, waking up thinking about them and pretty much edgy because of them.... Food for thought.

There have been a few people let go around here recently. No layoffs or anything like that but it still makes people a little nervous. Especially since it is review time.

I'm really enjoying my Japanese class. It takes up time and is making me feel a little worn out but I'm really enjoying it. I'm going to want to continue on with learning - provided I'm able to actualy finish memorizing my hirigana. There are a few that I just can't seem to nail down, which is frustrating.

Griffey is coming back to Seattle for one more year. I would like to see him play again wearing Mariner's colors. I'm not expecting miricles out of the guy but man, it would be nice to suck less. And the Sounders season starts in a little less than a month!

As soon as Matt leaves, I'm going to be revising my gym schedule. Sitting down with Kris and talking about how we want to go forward. If anyone has any recommendations for a home yoga or pilates DVD, I'd be interested in hearing them.
So, my people, my readers, my friends... We come to the close of another year and, of course, I like everyone else get a little introspective. It seems silly that I get introspective at an arbitrarily set line in the ephemeral sand that is time but, what the hell. It isn't like I limit myself to getting introspective once a year. (Or even one a day, for that matter.)
I'm sure this will ramble some )

Current plans for the new year:
- Take Japanese classes with [profile] seanb.
- Start going to the gym 3 times a week after CES. Look toward 4 times after Kris' birthday.
- Find another activity other than the gym. I need to stop wussing out about the swimming thing or commit to something else. Yoga? Pilates? Karate? Arg.
- Get another tattoo. Maybe this.
- Go visit my parents.
- Commit to continuing to trying this dating thing, though the results have been generally unimpressive thus far. I think I'm totally doing it wrong. I could be a macro, I'm sure.
- Emerald City Comic Con - April 4th & 5th
- NorWesCon April 9-12th - Though right after ECCC.... I don't know. I would like to get a Family room again, since that was awesome. Should decide soon.
- SDCC July 23–26 - 40th year for the Con
- PAX September 4, 5, 6 - Though I admit that I'm truly tempted by DragonCon and those attempting to lure me down there.
- Save money for a trip to Europe in 2010.
I do my best thinking while I'm asleep. I do my second best thinking in the shower. This has always been true.

Things are percolating in my brain. Spurred on, a lot, by [personal profile] bloolark's comments and some others I've read this morning. My brain was very active in my sleep last night. My dreams were very vivid and a little confusing but it all sort of points one way.

Topic the first: The gym. I have noticed improvement in my physical self, though I've got to stop looking at the scale or it will drive me mad. I've regained some fo my flexibility, though I'm not back to where I once was. My breathing is better. San Diego didn't wipe me out until Saturday this year. So, yeah, I'm getting improvement. I hate going but, to be honest, there is a sort of catharsis I go through there that I haven't found in much else. It has been a long time since I've been able to channel this much emotion into physical activity and it is something I've missed. Most of my entries here come when I've just gotten home and I'm at an energy low.

Also, there isn't much else that I can have found that I can keep doing. I don't know what it is with me but most of these sorts of activities are just things I'll stop doing. Self sabotage? Sure. I'm very good at it and I'm also very good at hiding it from myself as being such. Holding myself to this schedule is something I seem to be able to do and I'm not going to let it go just yet. That and I am very glad to be doing this with Kris. It feels important to be doing this together.

Topic the second: Supplimental activities. I want to add something else to this. There are a few options that I have in mind, all of them with issues with them and some such. (Not sure how much of that is self-sabotage and how much is just what it is. Hard to see some times.) It has been recommended that I need to be going to the gym four times a week. This is an ideal number. I have a hard time with that. So, instead, I'd like to add something else. I have some ideas.

1 - Swimming. I used to love the water. I know what is holding me back on this one and it sounds ridiculous in my head but I can point right at it. I don't own a swimming suit and I am terrified of going shopping for one and more terrified of actually being seen in public in one. There are a few places I can go but I have to get over that first bit before I can even try.

2 - Martial Arts. I used to love karate. When there was a place to go close to where I was living, I would go two or three times a week. Then I moved and the commute pretty much killed it for me. So, for this one, there is a location issue, as well as a style issue and a bit of a money issue. Lots of research to be done here.

3 - Something I have not tried. I have tried a lot of things. Most of them have not become a habit and that's what I need. I need something that will become a habit. I, preferably, want something that I will do with someone else. If it is something that someone is doing /with/ me, I will be much less likely to flake out, make excuses and such and such. So, anyone want to try something new? Rock Climbing? Curling? Ice skating? (I'm running out of ideas after that, so not sure what else...)

Topic the Third: My rut. I like my rut. I have tried to break it up this year and have mostly been successful. I've added a streak of volunteerism to my life, which is something I needed. Thanks to my mom for the inspiration on that one. None of it is exactly the Peace Corps but I feel more involved. I'm still looking for a place to connect. I've been looking for a long time, really. Since I graduated college. I'm getting closer but I don't think I've found it yet. I miss the feeling I got out of the SCA but I don't think that can be recaptured - being what it was at the time in my life that it was. I'm also looking for suggestions of a group activity that will get me involved with other people doing something. I know. Could I vague that up for you some more? I just want to go out and get more connected with people doing something I enjoy. Sure, volunteering at conventions is fun but they are only so many times a year, you know? Any suggestions?

All a lie.

Aug. 26th, 2008 08:15 pm
I've been doing this for months.

I've bee going to the gym for months and there are times when I feel like I might be getting somewhere. I haven't lost any weight. I haven't lost any inches. I tell myself it'll happen. I cut more and more things out of what I eat. I eat small portions, six times a day. I don't intake a lot of sugar, I don't eat big meals.

Physically sometimes I feel better and sometimes I just feel like I'm falling apart.

Emotionally, I... Well. I don't want to type how I feel here since it just feels like a plea for attention which it isn't but I can't convince mysel of any valid reason to pour myself out in front of people like that.

Let me just say I am not happy and leave it at that.

I don't want platitudes. I don't want people to send me hugs or tell me it is going to be okay. I .... I'm so jealous of the people around me who are losing weight successfully. It feels horrible of me not to just be happy for them. I should be better than that.

I don't know what to do because I can feel myself starting to lose hope again.

I'm so very tired.
I still hate going to the gym, except I can feel it becoming a familiar sort of hate, an almost comfortable and cozy feeling. I'm not really losing any weight but I can feel something changing in my body. The shape of things is shifting as well. My clothes fit differently. I get less tired when I'm being active. I can lift more weight. I have no doubt that I'm getting healthier but I'm having a hard time, to be honest, with the actual weight loss.

I know. I know, be patient. Be patient, eat right, do more cardio, keep going to the gym.

I've started going to the gym early in order to get more cardio in. I'm doing a minimum of 30 minutes, which ends up being close to a mile, most days, depending on what difficulty I have the machine set at.

I have measurements. I have a few goals. I... feel good about both but I can just feel what is beneath that thin layer of satisfaction.

Oi.
My brain is spinning with ideas that I want to share but I'm having a hard time finding a place to put them and a way to get them out. For now I'll point you to things that I think are cool.

I ran out of Queen & Country trades to read and had the astonishing revelation that there was more Tara Chace in novel form. You know, Kat, actual books. So, I'm reading A Gentlemen's Game right now and loving the hell out of it.

I'm listening to a lot of things these days, going through a period of voracious music collecting. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm open to them. Right now, Muse seems to have hooked into my brain. Anything that sounds like Franz Ferdinand is also a big plus but I'm open to trying anything.

I need to scan my sketch of Lady Shiva so I can show it to all of you. I should really get a scanner and a printer. Not that I know where I'd put them.

I actually have a setting for a story (mostly suited for D&D, though maybe an actual story, story) and the basic details for like... four of them. This usually happens after Comic Con. I just need to force myself to sit down and write some of it out this time. If only so that I don't just lose it all to the ether.

Other than that, I'm looking forward to working out this evening, though I have a large fear that I'm generally not getting anywhere with it. I know this is likely self sabotage and that my endurance and my breathing have gotten better. I should be doing more. I'm at a point where I'm fairly consistently eating five times a day in mostly smaller meals and I'm going to the gym three times a week. I am thinking of attempting to institute a routine like [profile] seanb's where I do crunches and push-ups before bed and upon waking. I could do the abs circuit we do at the gym with Josh - must remember the obliques.

All in all today has been something of a wash with the ups and downs.

I hope Catie made it home alright. I haven't heard anything from her yet.
Cody's birthday dinner is at 8:00 at Daniel's THIS SATURDAY! I tried to get earlier but the only open times for a party of six were 5:45 and 8, so I went with 8.

Oh people of the internet, I need an idea of what to do with my hair. I cannot decide. I am just approaching that place where I want to do something to it. Mostly, I am thinking about color. I am displeased with the light brown blonde-ness that is slowly eeking more and more into my hair. So, gentle beings, what do you think? It has to be work okay but around here that isn't too stringent.

So. What else? The new trainer as the gym is killing us in a different way. We're doing less exhausting but more targeted exercises. Last night I found a machine that allows me to pop my lower back. It is an impressive thing to not have pain there. It has become almost background noise for me to have it and not to have it was truly strange. It started to tense back up within the hour but that hour was pretty sweet. He took our measurements and we're going to measure again close to the same time next month. It makes me nervous.

Also, he has me trying to eat five (or more) times a day. You'd be amazed at how hard this is to do. You need to eat to live but eating more times is... just hard. But I'm managing to do at least four time a day every day so far, if not more but man... I just hate having to actively reserve so much of my brain for this stuff.

I'm looking forward to going to Comic Con. Some part of me is dwelling on seeing some new and old people for the first time in awhile. The same thoughts as always come forward to plague me - about the way I look and all of that. I have to say I am continually frustrated and amazed at how some people think it is as easy as 'just getting off the couch' or 'stop eating so much' that will help you lose weight. I hear that stuff a lot and, ironically, from people who aren't in the greatest shape themselves. Still, it makes me angry that there are a lot of people who think this sort of thing it simple. And, sure, for some people it is. I envy them. And sure, there are a lot of things I could have done differently on the way to where I am to have changed where I ended up. It isn't like I can go back in time and tell myself to stop being a moron. It isn't like I can really ever remember a time when I was anything near skinny. I have always envied that of my sister but I'm not built that way - even starting with genetics.

There is something about realizing that almost every person I've ever met with the same hair I have has mostly the same body shape as well. Still, I am doing what I can, trying not to be crazy about it, trying not to let it wrap me up in knots all the while trying to be healthier. If I can just stay focused on being healthier and not the weight, I'll be okay. Still...

Anyway, that's a big sidetrack of fun. I need to get back to work.

Tonight

Jun. 19th, 2008 10:48 pm
Workout tonight.

It sucked.

I don't know what else to say about it right now. I'm mostly better now but earlier was bad. I don't know why it was so bad. I hurt, I hurt a lot. I hurt doing it, I got very angry and... well...

There you are.

I'd like not to do that again.
Our trainer had to head home due to a death in the family. My thoughts are with him as that is a sucky thing to have to go through.

Last night at the gym was pretty good. I think Kris and I did a decent amount of stuff and approximated the routine we've been doing with John. There was probably less cardio in there than there should have been but it was an experience that I survived. I'm still tired, though. I am not sinking into the sleep of death but I'm generally feeling worn out all the time. My muscle soreness feels more like that of a fever than from working out but I always feel that way the morning after, so that's what it likely is. I'm not entirely sure where the energy boost is. My wind is getting better but I'm certain feeling as though I'm dragging, no matter when I go to sleep.

I don't like it.

Ultimately that doesn't matter because I feel, emotionally, different about it this time. I'm tired of being out of shape, fat, generally loathing myself and all of the other things that come with being overweight in this time and place. There are a lot of them. Most of them suck.

Anyway. On a happier note: Obama! Yeah! Wooooo! *dances around* I'm excited and terrified at the same time. Hope is hard.
Those of you going to Comic Con in San Diego with me - Please make sure to purchase your registration soon, if you haven't already. We're getting close to the days where things will start to sell out. That would be bad.

For those of you who watched Lost last night (OMG!) there was another viral marketing ad in there. Did you wonder about the Octagon Global Recruiting ad? Apparently, they'll be recruiting for unpaid positions in San Diego.

Warner Bros. Records will release four different configurations of "The Dark Knight soundtrack (on July 15th, before the movie): a standard jewel case CD, a 2 LP set of heavy-weight 180 gram vinyl version, a special edition digipack, and a collector's edition with special artwork to come after release. I have to say the first score can still bring tears to my eyes just by listening to it. Great stuff.

Rumor is that James McAvoy is the lead choice to play the younger Bilbo Baggins. He does look a bit like Elijah Wood, if we're going for a vague family connection.

Last night I had a bit of a moment where I thought I was in another world. I cam home and there was no Kris. I went to the gym and the machine couldn't find me in it, when I scanned in on my keychain thingy. Our physical trainer was also - not there. As I went through my routine on the elipticals and other weight machines, I started to wonder for a few moments if I was in the wrong place. Perhaps things had been switched around and I hadn't noticed until then.

I went home and Kris showed up and all was righted again but for awhile there, I wasn't entirely certain. Stupid paranoia.

I had an awesome dream last night but enough of it has faded into the ether that I won't bother trying to recount it here.

And work is trying to kill me. Really not fair on a Friday.
Saturday was a quick 40 minutes on the eliptical machine instead of a trainer workout because I had to get back home to pack up and run, run, run to the gorge with Sean for Sasquatch. Man, that was hard. Part of it was that it was just elipticals and I get that now but it was easier to manage time and keep my heart rate where I wanted it doing that.

Last night was hard, partially because I pushed myself super hard. Stairs suck, suck, suck but I pushed myself to do them faster than I did last time. They're just stairs, damnit. They will not defeat me. I won't let them. Just 180 stairs up and 180 stairs down. (18 up, you see...) We're starting to work on different machines and that I can do. I can do that all day long at the weights we're at. That stuff doesn't get to me nearly as much. The last bit of elipticals at the end was hard. I hit that wall again. The orange before working out helps and it helps A LOT. Thank you all for the idea but when I hit that wall, it still sucks. I hit it later and that is a blessing and a curse. There is a mental fog that comes with it, which actually helps me go for longer but it is something of a danger to be walking around a gym only sort of paying attention.

I should get on a scale.

I don't know if I'm up to that yet.

I'm starting to notice that I want to go to the gym about the same amount that I don't want to know. This is an improvement as it used to be I didn't want to go at all but I had an appointment and that is like a promise and so I had to go. Maybe I'll get to a point where I actually want to go. Hard to say at this point but I can sort of believe that that point is out there somewhere.

I also need to investigate why I want to breakdown and cry when our trainer starts talking about 'doing this for yourselves' and 'reclaiming our lives'. There is a big tangle of mess there in my head and I don't know if I'm up to trying to untangle it right now. I have a feeling this is another angle toward the 'end up a crazy old cat lady' issue and all that waits under the surface there. As well as the wonderful sabotaging fear of success.

Awesome.

Grumpy bunny girl shall cheer me up. Look, she's so cute when she's grumpy.
Yesterday was hard.

Yesterday was very hard and today I am really truly sore for the first time working with this trainer. I want to be sore, though. It is a concrete physical sign of what it is I'm doing. And to be honest, there is some element of enjoyment in the aches and soreness. It is an odd thing but it does make sense to me on some level.

I didn't get to the level of angry I usually do but I did a fair amount of cursing at myself as I went up and down the 18 step flight of stairs again and again. I also knew i could do it and if I had needed to do it, I could have pushed harder. Though, I have to admit, doing something else in between makes it easier to do more of them. Going from the stairs to the eliptical machine is brutal beyond belief but the other way around isn't quite so bad.

After the gym, I again hit a very low period. I think it might have something to do with blood sugar as I seem to even out after eating but then again, it is hard to prove that it isn't simply time as well, as it take a bit to cook and eat and digest and all of that. And yes, I would like to eat before working out but I'd found that usually ends up resulting in me being nauseous if not worse.

For a bit there, I thought Kris was going to try to throttle me but we both made it. Go us.

So. Maybe I should start trying to have a banana or something before but I'm a little nervous about it.
This one is a bit different than the others so far.

This one might get a bit deep. So. Live with me, will you? And I'm not looking for sympathy. Mike, at least, knows I do my best digging around in my head out on paper. Or in this case on a screen.

Last night was the first workout with the trainer. )
So. I didn't get the job. I sort of had that feeling when in the interview with my DMM he talked about 'not having envisioned this as my career path'. That really sort of gives you the idea of where things are for your chances. I'm not disappointed - too much. I would really prefer another job, I think but... Man. The waiting is painful. I'm tired of this job and I'm pretty sure I've outgrown it.

But hey, I'm good at it.

On the fitness side of things. Last night I got signed up and going too late to do training with Kris, which is a shame but I did another 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. This time the first five minutes was really hard. But after that I was able to watch Jeopardy while I was going on the machines. If I can distract my brain from what my body is doing, exercise becomes a lot easier.

I've noticed that the morning after working out, I'm starving. I eat breakfast the morning after and I normally don't do that. In fact, food and I normally don't get along all that well in the morning most days. It was another deep sleep night. It is so hard for me to completely get into conciousness in the morning. I have Polka to thank for helping me this morning with a well placed headbutt into my eye. Thanks kitty!

Next week I'm going to have to move things around. I have a vendor dinner on Thursday which will likely mean I'm not going to make it to training, unless training is /really/ late.

Today I must buy my ticket back east for June. Look at potentially buying my ticket back east for August. Figure out my transportation to and from the airport for the Reno trip in June. And probably a million other things.

I need to go to sleep early today so I can get up early tomorrow. Note to self: buy laces for the really comfy shoes so you can wear them this weekend.
So, I'm hoping to keep more specific fitness related updates here going forward. If there are enough of you that don't give a damn about it, I might be able to be convinced to put them in some sort of special grouping but that isn't really the way I blog. Most of the time I just dump information on a page and then realize that I'd talked about seventeen different things when I'd really only intended to talk about one.

Anyway - Working out.

Yesterday I went to the gym with Kris. They couldn't find the corporate program information so, they were nice enough to allow me to workout for free. They're supposed to call me back and work out costs some time today. I got on the eliptical machine and decided to do 30 minutes. I mean, I used to do like 45 to an hour on those things. I should still be able to do 30, right?

Well, yes. I can. But at the same time, I thought I was going to die the last 5 minutes. That's probably what I should feel like but it isn't comfortable and it isn't fun and I really sort of wanted to punch someone. Which, of course, is nicely channeled into finishing the last five minutes on the machine. It still isn't anything I would consider fun.

I wasn't sore when I went home, though I did notice a stiffness in my muscles. I slept really well. Perhaps a little too well, to be honest. I almost slept through turning off both of my alarms. I noticed soreness in my back and in my legs when I climb stairs, though not so much when I'm walking. I like the sleeping better. I don't so much like the coma-like state that seems to put me in.

I need to remember why it is I do this. I need reenforcement because I know myself. I get so fed up with putting so much energy and pain into something and I can't see the results. /Other people can/ but that doesn't help me. Other people tell me I look like I've lost weight when I've gained. I need something more than the number on the scale, too. It is a hard thing. Over the years that number on the scale has been terrifying and caused me to stay up nights and I've had to learn how to cope with it.... No, I need something else because it will take awhile for that number to mean anything. And with that number, I will almost always feel (especially in the beginning) that whatever decrease is there, it isn't enough. I might try pictures.

Maybe one a month.

Maybe every other month.

God, I hate photos, too.

I'll think of something but there needs to be something to keep me moving forward. The ideas that I'm making myself healthier and losing weight... After awhile you stop being able to make those ideas /mean/ anything when you've been on and off diets and talking to dieticians and nutritionists and trying to lose weight since before high school.

I've never been thin. I don't even know if that's possible. I can handle less fat. I know I can do that. A least a little bit.

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