Jan. 3rd, 2011

I really needed the week off for a lot of reasons. I didn't get to all of the things or people I wanted to but I did get a lot of stuff done. And I got to spend some time with myself, which I also needed. Sometimes I don't like spending too much time in my own head but as someone who analyzes pretty much every emotion and reaction she has, it can be needed to make sure I'm not just compartmentalizing all of the problems somewhere where I'm not going to see them until they've managed to sink me.

I've been living the past few weeks with a general sense of low lying dread. I know why this is (there are multiple sources of worry) and there is not really anything I can do about any of them. This is where most of my coping ability falls apart. I am much better when I can be doing something about issues. Most of these, though, are hurry up and wait and patch up as I can.

So, a general state of the me:
- I went to the gym yesterday. I need help with this. I need to keep going. I have never lost weight through pure exercise and I don't think I will this time either but I was in much better shape a year ago than I am now. I liked being in that sort of shape, so back to the gym I go. I am crap for keeping myself motivated about these things. (See lack of weight loss.) The improvements are there but they are incremental and very hard to track. So, I must just do this. I am worth it, though it can be hard to remember all of that.

- Food. I'm not going to say diet because that word comes with a lot of different stupid baggage. I'm making a change and I'm sticking to it. (Or that's what I'm telling myself today and every day.) Enough with the fried, high carb junky food. I know it is bad for me, I know it does nothing for me. I need to eat more protein and less sugar. More protein and vegetables and less french fries and pizza.

- More forward looking plans. I do a lot of this now but not enough of it where money and long term betterment come in. Not just of myself but of those around me as well. I've started up a 529 for David (If there are those who would like to be on the list of contributors, lemme know.) and am looking into how I can get a college fund going for Liam as well. If anyone knows how to get a college fund going for someone in another country, please let me know. Or if you have other long term investing plans that would work about the same, I'm interested in that too.

- Get out there. Go. Be available. Meet new people. Don't be afraid to tell people how you feel about them. Also, don't self-sabotage. Feel free to hold people accountable for their reactions to you. Be comfortable with yourself but not permissive of negative behaviors.

- Do more things that mean something. And, no, I can't define it better than that. I took steps that way in 2010 but I haven't quite gotten there yet. Help create, create, support, change lives.

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lithera

June 2011

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